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its more complicated than the sun and the waves crashing on the beach sand in the middle of the moonlight. its more broken than a piece of glass shattered into a million pieces of light. its more heavy then whipping cream and homogenized milk. its darker then the falling of a cold winters evening just past 5 o clock knowing the moon will never shine again. its colder than the ice cube seems while melting in the sunshine kill daylight.
one half is protected from everything and the other half is left out to the open public like a port a potty on the beaches of Cape Cod in the middle of tourist season. a bigger side is closed up like tiny little package of tissues with the little leopard prints on them knowing you will never use any because it would be too sad to disturbe each individual tissue. a part is unknowing even to its owner who also though she had everything figured out and then fell into a bat cave crawling with unanserable questions she would rather leave out in the sun for them to wither up, dry out, crack and cave until they were mearly dust wailing in the wind. the other side is partially open and outgoing while still reserved in most perplexing situations. and which times are rather insignificant and lonely they souly become a responsibility to its owner once again to take control, act, and manage to stay calm, collected, and flattered all just by acting like a lady in a male dominated world. who knew their owner could be compared to all of these things... not her of course. not until the words were written and the sentences structured to be not at all structured but rather a sort of stream of conciousness thing.
also... make note of a.d.d. most likely a problem unfixable by anyone other than the owner of said a.d.d.
second note of the evening/ early morning: hands are bitterly cold along with feet... maybe time for beD?
another thought...? what happened to the good old days when things were simply answered and friends were friends and not strangers... what changes? why can't i change? why cant i be simply who i want to be and stick with something that i want to stick with? why can't i have good things? a good car? why i ask myself... i must not deserve it or something because it feels as though noone wants to help me with the things i actually need help with... i bust my ass at work just to make it through the week. why can't i live comfortably while everyone around me seems to have money to burn.
][just a thought.][
goodnight i think my feet are going numb.
one half is protected from everything and the other half is left out to the open public like a port a potty on the beaches of Cape Cod in the middle of tourist season. a bigger side is closed up like tiny little package of tissues with the little leopard prints on them knowing you will never use any because it would be too sad to disturbe each individual tissue. a part is unknowing even to its owner who also though she had everything figured out and then fell into a bat cave crawling with unanserable questions she would rather leave out in the sun for them to wither up, dry out, crack and cave until they were mearly dust wailing in the wind. the other side is partially open and outgoing while still reserved in most perplexing situations. and which times are rather insignificant and lonely they souly become a responsibility to its owner once again to take control, act, and manage to stay calm, collected, and flattered all just by acting like a lady in a male dominated world. who knew their owner could be compared to all of these things... not her of course. not until the words were written and the sentences structured to be not at all structured but rather a sort of stream of conciousness thing.
also... make note of a.d.d. most likely a problem unfixable by anyone other than the owner of said a.d.d.
second note of the evening/ early morning: hands are bitterly cold along with feet... maybe time for beD?
another thought...? what happened to the good old days when things were simply answered and friends were friends and not strangers... what changes? why can't i change? why cant i be simply who i want to be and stick with something that i want to stick with? why can't i have good things? a good car? why i ask myself... i must not deserve it or something because it feels as though noone wants to help me with the things i actually need help with... i bust my ass at work just to make it through the week. why can't i live comfortably while everyone around me seems to have money to burn.
][just a thought.][
goodnight i think my feet are going numb.
i never seem to find it though, you never seem to want to tell me. i try to help and help and help and give you nice things and i try to give you everything you could ever want.
i dont know what that is though. i never have really known what you want. i try to death.
and you have changed. you have changed a lot. you just dont see it because its hard to look in on yourself. you have changed your style, your music, your hair, your face, your body. the way you talk is different. the way you hold me is different. the way you cry is different.
you've changed the way you see life. remember when you didn't give a shit when people tried to change you? do you remember how all you ever did was laugh?
remember you used to dance with me?
remember you used to never let people influence you?
remember you used to wear sweatpants and big tees and you were so beautiful still?
you are beautiful now. not the same beauty though, i know the old you is inside you somewhere, but you seem to be so much more concerned with the outside. where are you hiding?
hiding behind the light that reflects off the skin? why do you bury yourself away from me?
why do you cry out in the darkness all alone instead of in my arms?
why do you care what people think ?
why does it matter?
why is that all you care about anymore?
why cant we be us? its because someone is always looking.
you never used to care about that. but you do now.
i could put my arm around you and kiss you in the halls.
but now i cant even hold your hand.
why why why do you change these things?
why is everyone elses life so importaint to your life?
stop making decisions for strangers.
people judge you withing five seconds of seeing you.
that will never change.
and how importaint is a first impression anyway?
importaint enough to change who you are you please them?
i miss you. i have missed you for months.
if i asked you now to dance with me to 101.1 in traderjacks with silly hats on, would you??
would you?
would you?
if changing for everyone who doesn't know you is okay
then why won't you be yourself for the girl who loves you?
for the girl who will forever protect you and be by your side
the girl who is whole when she is driving with you with a cigarette in one hand and the other on your knee listening to oasis.
the girl who just wants to look upon you with adoration until the sun dies violently in its sleep
the girl who will be with you when we figure out where far far away is
the girl that finds stars coming out of her eyes when they fall on you
the girl who knows her name is only safe in your mouth.
i feel like we aren't on the same page. i love you with everything i am and i don't want you to have to feel like i don't want you, or trust you, i don't want you to think that i feel ashamed of you.i love you. i truely do. but sometimes i think we are on two different levels. i don't want to lose you steph, but something needs to change. i don't want to be just comfortable to you, or myself. i want to feel like no one is watching and just be myself. but i can't becasue i don't know who that is anymore.
and i didn't change for anyone else. i just grew up. i don't want to be the ugly girl anymore. i don't want to be what i used to in that sense i was miserable. honest to goodness i made myself sick just thinking about it. i want to be wanted but not gotten. this wont make any sense to you or anyone.
[[[[[[ the worst part of all of this is the fact that I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. ]]]]]
if you want me then want me, and if ive changed too much... then i wish you all that you could ever dream of.
[-done-]